If You Don't Know Me By Now, Let Me Enlighten You
by u2shay
Summary: Edward finally finds a girl that he can love for her brains. Can their love survive the loss of the vampire allure? Because, really, what do vampires have that zombies don't? Rated T for naughty words & epic brain-lust. Happy Birthday, LJ Summers! ;-


**If You Don't Know Me By Now, Let Me Enlighten You**

...a zombie-centric parody by u2shay

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**A/N: **The recognizable quotes, of which there are many, are from the "Twilight" movies as I recall them from memory…because, let's face it, the movies were way funnier than the books…

Rated T for naughty words.

**Disclaimer: **Yada, yada, yada, Twilight is Stephenie Meyer's creation, etc. etc. etc. Yada, yada, yada… ad nauseum…

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**For LJ Summers. Happy Birthday, sis! :) **

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><p><strong>Part One: The Beginning…<strong>

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"Rosalie, what was I supposed to do, eh? Let her crack her head open and spill those lovely, yummy brains all over the pavement? Yeah, that wouldn't have exposed me at all."

"This isn't just about you, Edward… It would have exposed all of us… Besides, you saved her because you like her. I know you do."

They looked up to find Bella lurking in the hall of the hospital.

Carlisle sighed. "Maybe we should move this to a more private location. I have brains in my office."

Edward and Rosalie's countenances brightened considerably. Just as he turned to walk away Bella said, "Hey, can we talk?"

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_Delusional, brain-blocking humans will be the death of me…_

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><p><strong>Part Two: Why the Hell Did I Ever Go To That Damn Meadow…?<strong>

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"You're impossibly fast…and strong."

"Uh…yeah, adrenaline rush. You should totally Google it."

"You never eat or drink anything…"

"That's not completely accurate."

"You never go out in the sunlight."

"That's 'cause we live in Forks. Hello, rainiest place in the continental U.S!"

"Your skin is pale white and ice cold."

"I've got a bad case of Rickets."

"Rickets?" Bella asked.

"Yeah, you know, Vitamin D deficiency..."

"Ah... So, how old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"How long have you been seventeen?"

"Uh, since June. You know, when I, uh, _turned seventeen_."

"So, it's been awhile?"

"Well, yeah…I guess. Eight months..."

"I know what you are. Do you want me to say it?"

"Sure, Bella…say it."

"Do you want me to say it out loud?"

"Yeah…isn't that how you say most things? It's not like I'm a mindreader." _Mind-eater, more like…_

"You're a vampire!

_I wish. _"Uh…"

"C'mon, you can admit it. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Vampires are just so sexy…"

"They are?"

She nodded and stared at him adoringly.

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_And the undead, brain-craving, masochistic zombie-lion totally fell in love with the wide-eyed, unbelievably oblivious Mary Sue…uh, I mean, sacrificial lamb…_

_Now what's a zombie to do?_

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><p><strong>Part Three: Never Trust a Shop-a-holic, Psycho-Midget With a Plan…<strong>

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"C'mon, you're totally into her," Alice said smiling.

"I'm totally into her brains…"

"You can't fool me. I see the way you look at her, Edward."

"Cross-eyed with brain-lust?"

"No, silly, with looooovvvvveeeee…"

"Love, Alice? Seriously?"

"Don't you know that zombies mate for life…er, death…er, unlife…yeah, whatever…?"

Edward narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Alice, I don't think—"

"Good. Don't think. Beside, who's ever heard of a thinking zombie anyway, eh?"

He rolled his eyes. As if he hadn't heard that old joke a hundred times already.

"So what's the plan, Ali-kat?"

"We're going to win you the girl, of course!"

"And how do you propose we do that, eh?"

"We're gonna get your inner vamp on!"

"I'm going to pretend to be a vampire?"

"Yep!" she chirped.

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_Oh, for the love of all that's holy…_

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><p><strong>Part Four: I Can't DO This Anymore…<strong>

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"I'm going to tell Bella the truth," Edward said resolutely.

"No, Edward, you can't," Alice cried and pushed him back into the chair that was in front of her lighted vanity.

"I can't do this anymore, Alice."

"But…but…" Her bottom lip quivered.

Edward sighed. He was not going to give in…not this time. "I'm tired of pretending to be something that I'm not."

She pouted and flashed him the Disney princess eyes, but he be refused to be swayed. Finally she sighed. "Fine. But I think it's too soon." Alice tapped his chin. "Look up for a moment."

Edward complied. Alice smoothed his eyebrows, plucking a few strays and then stepped back, frowning deeply.

"What? Is my mascara smeared?" he asked, wiping at his eyes.

"Needs more eyeliner."

"Alice if you put any more of that shit under my eyes it's going to look like I'm suffering from a broken nose…"

She tilted his face into the light and went back to work.

After a moment she stepped back and pronounced him perfect.

"I left you some new jeans on my bed."

Edward followed her into the room and held up the jeans with a puzzled look on his face. "Alice…these are girl jeans…"

"Guys wear their girlfriend's jeans all the time! Just trust me, Edward. You'll look great!"

Edward's expression was doubtful, but he slung the jeans over one arm and turned to leave.

"Wait! You forgot your shoes!" Alice cried. She stuffed a damaged and wrinkled box into his hands. "Louboutons," she said with a proud smile. "Size 12. Found them on Overstock dot com for a steal!"

"Spike-heeled thigh boots, Alice?"

"Just go with it, Edward. Just go with it…"

**~oOo~**

Edward strolled into Carlisle's office and dumped the designer boots on his desk. "I'm telling Bella what we are."

"Oh, thank God," Carlisle whispered under his breath. Out loud he said, "You sure about this, son?"

"If there's anything I'm sure about, Carlisle, it's this," Edward said with a firm nod of his head.

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**(A/N:** **Yeah, yeah, it's been done before but why not!)**

_Actually, Edward was positive about more than one thing…but three things for sure: First, he was sure that he was completely and irrevocably in love with Bella…'s brain. Second, there was a part of him—and he was almost positive that it was the most dominate part—that wanted to crack open her skull and gnaw on her medulla oblongata. And third, he was totally going to make her his adoring zombie bride before sundown…or his midnight snack. Her choice._

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><p><strong>Part Five: And The Truth Shall Send the Brain, er...Girl of Your Dreams Running Into Your Arms…OR Screaming Into the Olympic National Forest…<strong>

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"Here's the thing, Bella, you hit your head…and in the midst of the resulting brain trauma, you deluded yourself into believing that I am a vampire." Edward sat beside Bella, holding her hands and staring deeply into her eyes, willing her to believe him.

"You know, I've heard that somewhere before. When was it? Yeah, that's right, back when you were trying to convince me that you _weren't_ a vampire."

"Uh, Bella, I'm not a vampire. I'm a zombie."

"Suuuuurrrreeee… You can't fool me, Edward. I've seen you sparkle in the sun."

"Sparklin' in the sun, Edward? What the hell?" Emmett asked from across the room. "We don't sparkle in the sun!"

He shrugged. "Alice said it that it was a well-known fact that vampires sparkle in the sun…"

"They burn up in the sun, dumbass. Haven't you read _Interview with a Vampire? _Watched _Dracula? _Done a search on Google? Downloaded a Vampire Weekend CD from a torrent—'cause you know it sure as hell ain't worth paying for…"

"Alice, why—?"

She shrugged. "Like I know what's real and what's myth about vampires. I knew it was something about the sun. Besides, Walgreens had a two for one special on glitter gel. I just thought…you know, diamonds are a girl's best friend?"

"Bullshit! She knows tons about the vamps. She watches _True Blood _every week with Jasper. Fess up, Ali-kat. 'The mouth from the South' here," Emmett jerked his thumb in Jasper's direction, "bet her fifty bucks that you weren't dumb…er, naïve enough to let her help you get your inner chick on." He glanced at Edward, noting the startling pale base, bright pink lipstick, golden contacts, and copious amounts of mousse holding his hair in place and sighed. "Obviously, Jasper lost the bet."

"Emmett, we're here to help Bella, not ridicule your brother," Carlisle said in a reprimanding tone. "There will be plenty of time for that later."

"No, Edward has to be a vampire. After all, he's pale white…"

Cough—"make-up"—cough. Came from Emmett's direction.

"And ice cold."

"We've been over this, Bella," Edward began.

"All those cold showers sure were a bitch, eh, Edward?" Jasper asked casually.

Edward shivered in his seat.

"What about his breath? It dazzles me…"

"Yeah, cinnamon Altoids are awesome," Jasper replied.

"And his scent? He smells so good that I can't stand up straight. That's a total vampire thing…right?"

"Obsession for Men, actually," Alice supplied. "Glad you liked it though. Found a great deal on eBay…"

Just then the doorbell rang. Alice leaped from her seat clapping her hands and doing a happy dance. "Woo hoo, the UPS guy is early!" Then she skipped out of the room.

"We seriously need to stage another intervention for that girl…" Carlisle muttered.

"And the brooding, mysterious persona that's just so full of agony and angst that it's like crack to my teenage hormones?" Bella asked.

Alice walked back in carrying a huge box.

"Oh, that's just that emo-scremo shit he listens to all the time. I swear if I have to listen to one more song by Black Veil Brides, I'm going to eat Andy Six's brain…"

"Too late. Geez, Alice, don't you know a zombie when you see one?" Emmett said, shaking his head.

"They should have never done that show in Vancouver," Edward said mournfully. "Their music's been crap ever since…too mainstream."

"Hmmm, ground zero, eh..." Carlisle said, frowning.

"Ground zero?" Bella asked.

"Yeah, Canada. Don't let the nice demeanor and colloquial 'ehs' fool you. It's a zombie wasteland up there. Nothing but zombies and snow, snow and zombies…"

"So you're really not a vampire…you're a zombie?"

"Hey, Bella, it's all right."

"No, it's not," she wailed.

"What's wrong, Bella," Esme inquired in a motherly tone.

"It's just that vampires are so hot and mysterious and cool and zombies are so…ew."

Rosalie sent Bella a pitying look. "Yeah…reality sucks, eh? You go home with a vampire and wake up with a zombie… Story of my life."

"Really, Bella, zombies aren't anything like they are on T.V.," Edward told her

"So you aren't fetid, decaying monsters that have a single-minded obsession with eating brains?" she asked hopefully.

"Uh, no, that part is true."

"There isn't a coming zombie apocalypse that is going to destroy the world in the near future?"

"Considering the way things have been going lately…"

"Yeah, zombie economics…" Jasper added rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"Sounds pretty much like the movies so far…"

"Well, I can tell you that zombies absolutely positively were not created by a mutated anti-aging formula that is hidden in a vault in 'Raccoon City.'"

"Yeah, it actually was that batch of bad Botox…" Emmett said.

Esme scowled. "How many times do I have to apologize, eh?"

"Well, if you had just gone to the plastic surgeon like all the other doctors' wives instead of having Carlisle inject you with that crap you bought from Canada on the internet because you didn't want anyone to know, we wouldn't be in this predicament, now would we?" Rosalie interjected bitterly. "Damn Canadians and their socialized medicine and cheap drugs…"

Alice rolled her eyes. "Anyhoo, the movie zombies really do have it all wrong," she began. "I mean it's not like we are lumbering about missing limbs, bleeding black everywhere, unable to form coherent sentences, or wearing the same ragged clothing day after day until it rots off our bodies." She shuddered. "C'mon, that's just so 1990s. Zombies like us are good citizens. Your neighbors, your teachers—"

"Mr. Melena, right?"

"Yeah…Jasper failed his mid-term and…overreacted." Alice said with a frown. "He has control issues. Carlisle damaged Jazz's orbitofrontal cortex when he ate his brain…"

"The point is that we try to fit in, acclimate to society." Esme said, steering the conversation back to the topic at hand. "Really, we aren't that much different than you…except for that unfortunate craving for human brains."

Carlisle smiled. "Actually, Bella, we choose to live differently from most our kind…you know, the stereotypical zombie."

"Canadians…" Rosalie sneered.

"Yeah, we only eat the brains of animals…" Edward supplied.

"It's kind of like eating tofu," Carlisle added, his expression slightly disgusted. "It fulfills our needs but it never leaves us fully satisfied."

"Yeah, it wouldn't be like eating your brains for instance," Jasper said and all of the Cullens turned to leer at Bella. Carlisle slowly licked his lips, smacking loudly, and Esme busied herself by setting the table in the dining room.

"You're staying for dinner, right, Bella?" she asked sweetly.

"No, I really can't. I promised Charlie that I would come home and cook him a five course meal and then wash and iron all of his underwear without complaint like the dutiful teenaged daughter that I am…you know, just another typical boring night at the Swan house. Oh my, look at the time..." Bella started to rise, but Edward pulled her down into his lap and hugged her tight, burying his face in her hair and breathing deeply. She shivered as he groaned softly.

"I've never wanted a girl for her brains so much in all my life," Edward murmured in a shaky voice.

"Yeah! Usually Edward goes for blonde hair, blue eyes, trailer trash make-up, tits the size of cantaloupes and an ass you could bounce a quarter on…" Everyone turned to look at Bella, taking special note of her mousy hair, distinct lack of make-up, over-the-road-trucker flannel and sweatpants get up, flat chest, narrow hips, and puffy upper lip that was strangely out of sync with her lower one. "But…uh, brains have their appeal, too," Emmett whispered awkwardly.

Rosalie laughed. "Speaking of Edward's typical girl, remember Jess Stanley? She was on the fast track to be the school valedictorian this year…that is until she dated Edward."

"Wait a minute. Jessica said that you were too good to date any of the girls in school…"

"Fricasseed Stanley's hippocampus, eh? Nice," Jasper said, holding out his fist for a pound.

"What does the hippo-whatever have to do with anything?" Bella asked as Edward bumped Jasper's fist with a grin.

"Center of long-term memory," Alice replied scowling.

"What, Ali? Bad memories?"

Everyone started laughing. Alice sneered, muttering something about "long-legged twats" under her breath. "Just because I couldn't run as fast as you all when Esme awoke from her zombie coma doesn't mean you get to make fun of my memory loss. Hello, traumatic brain injury here."

"I'm sorry, dear. If I had known all the heartbreak this would cause you, I would have taken a bite out of your temporal lobe instead," Esme said patting Alice's hand.

"Eh, okay, so now you know everything. Are you ready, Bella?" Carlisle asked, standing.

"Ready?"

"To become a Cullen…"

"What makes you think that I want to be a Cullen?

"But, Bella, you told me that you wanted to be with me forever. That you'd never felt like you fit in anywhere until you met my family..."

"That was before."

"Before?"

"Before I found out what you really are!"

"But, I want you to be my zombie bride, Bella."

"What? I can't…"

"Why ever not?"

"Well…uh, I'm too young!"

"Age is just a number, matters very little when you're a zombie."

"You know that the divorce rates are really high among humans, right? I'm afraid it just might not work out between us, Edward. I'm a fickle teenage girl, after all!"

"I think you'll find that zombie/zombie divorce rates are a little lower."

"Zombie/zombie…" Bella looked horrified. "But my mom and dad will totally object!"

"You'll find your father quite compliant, I assure you. Of course he was quite upset at first when I asked his permission to turn you, but I took care of that."

"What did you do to my dad?"

"Nothing much… Just a simple procedure, really."

"Edward…?"

"Just a small frontal lobe lobotomy to make him more agreeable. Honestly, you probably won't even notice a difference. It's not like he wasn't sitting there mindlessly drooling into his beer in front of the T.V. before I stopped by anyway… By the way, I didn't know your dad was a fan of _Jersey Shore…_"

"You ate part of my dad's brain?" she squeaked, outraged.

"Uh, yeah…zombie," he replied with a shrug.

"So, Ed, how was it?" Alice asked. "I've always had a hankering for a brain in uniform."

"Tasted like chicken."

"You're a monster! You're all brainless, disgusting monsters!" she cried as she ran for the door.

Edward and his family appeared before her. Edward tsked, shaking his head back and forth slowly. "You know, Bella, you _really_ shouldn't have said that…"

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…_And they all lived zombily and happily ever after…well, except for maybe Bella._

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_~The End._

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><p>So, thanks for reading. Leave a review if you're so inclined. And now that you're all in the humorous zombie mood (hopefully)...you should totally go and listen to "RE: Your Brains" by Jonathan Coulton. The link is on my profile page.<p>

~Shay_  
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